“Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the excitement of the moment has passed” – Cavett Robert

“I know. I’m lazy. But I made myself a New Year’s resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have ‘til December, right?” – Catherine O’Hara

 

Its 2015 already. A brand new year. A new beginning. By now,the various Pentecostal churches in Nigeria (and in other nations) must have come up with their respective themes and slogans for the New Year. In 2014, my church’s theme was: ‘a year of overflowing grace: operation kick out the devil’. Two years ago, it was: ‘a year of ceaseless breakthroughs: operation death of my enemies’. I think I already have a clue to what it would be this year. Last sunday, the Senior Pastor was repeatedly telling us, the loyal flock, that “our God would disgrace the bucket with a basket by fetching water with it”. Alright then, lemme put that on my to-do list. I gotta buy about five baskets on the next eke market day and throw away the two buckets loitering in my bathroom.

Every new year as individuals, we are bound to make a list or two. Or even three. We write our different New Year resolutions, wishes, expectations and whatever we deem to term it. My cousin, Mina, has already made two. Luckily, I saw one:

Title – 2015 is my year of unending testimonies;

Content –

Number One: Marry the man of my dreams (tall, dark, handsome and God-fearing, doesn’t lie, doesn’t drink, doesn’t womanize…). I had to stop at that point because it felt like I was reading an unrealistic romantic fantasy novel.

Number Two: Add about three inches to my height (she is about 5ft 4inches tall)

Number Three: Shed about 30kg in two months (she weights about105kg). The last time we hung out at a local joint, she had 3 plates of cow meat pepper-soup plus 2 bottles of orijin

Ok, that’s enough. I’ve had enough. At this point, I had to stop reading. Just like her, a lot of people (young and old) make such lists.Call me an unbeliever if you wish, but some management lessons I was taught made me understand that when making plans, they had to be realistic, feasible,attainable…bla bla bla. But most of us are caught up in this yearly drama of making New Year resolutions that would take ‘centuries’ to achieve. Well, miracles do happen sha. After all, the good book says if our faith is as small as a mustard seed, we could command mountains to get dumped inside rivers and it would be done. And that I believe. Honestly, I believe that. And that’s why I believe that my cousin would get such a man as she wished for out of the heavens on Valentine’s Day. Can I get an AMEN!

And I’ve sworn not to be left out of this drama. So I spent the evening making my own list (its only one list sha…e no pass one) and here it is:

Number One resolution: No more Nollywood movies. I’ve had enough. Seriously, I am done with Nollywood movies. The last one I saw about a week ago (title withheld…but it’s the usual funny title) was meant to last about an hour and thirty minutes. I spent twenty five minutes (yes, I was checking the time) watching adverts and trailers of other movies, then ten minutes watching the princess walk around the village in search of a lost item, another ten minutes watching the Queen scold the palace maids and fifteen watching a scene in which the king was shouting at his cabinet members that they’ve not been able to find the ‘missing’ prince. At that point, PHCN struck. I never bothered to put on the generator neither did I watch the remaining scenes when power was restored.

Number Two resolution: Hookup with a politician’s daughter. Be it the daughter of a Local government chairman, a councilor, the personal assistant to the governor’s wife, village king or a minister’s daughter, e no matter. I need am. I’ve got a lotta business plans and proposals structured properly on my PC. But the big problem is CASH. Yeah, right. CAPITAL. So I need me a ‘cash cow’ as soon as possible to be able to execute the plans in 2015.

Number Three resolution: No more suya. And I mean am. Kai, my night rest about two days ago was interrupted intermittently by nature’s call to the loo. I had too much suya earlier that day. And no be small shit o. My neighbors mistook each drop of shit for gunshots. Thank God they didn’t call the local vigilante on me. So this year, I am done with suya. Even if dem garnish you with onions, tomatoes, cabbage…mba. Suya, u no go get me again.

Number Four resolution: Get a pet. Not a cat. No No No. I heard they are usually vessels for demons. Hahahaha, no mind me jare. See as I dey sound like one Deeper Life guy. But seriously, I heard stories that at a family prayer meeting, they exorcised a couple of evil spirits from their pet cat. Not one. Not two spirits. It was up to six. And it happened in a town in Benin kingdom. So on that note, I am getting a dog. A bulldog. And while walking down the streets with it, I would picture myself in a neighborhood in downtown Los Angeles, a bottle of 40 oz in my other hand, jeans sagged, wearing a pair of Air Jordan sneakers, acting all gangster. U can’t tell me nothin!

Number Five resolution: I won’t vote at the upcoming elections. Yes, na me talk am. It’s not as if my vote would count sha. But I’ve made up my mind. The reason is this; none of the presidential candidates would bring the change I desire to witness in my country. It’s like old wine in a new bottle. The same song and dance. That’s my opinion though. So I’d rather stay indoors on that day, with my bottle of ogogoro , ‘anu nchi‘, and poker cards and literally waste the whole day.

Number Six resolution: I won’t pay tithes anymore. Well, I’ve not made up my mind yet. I started having these ‘ungodly’ thoughts when I spotted my pastor in a brand new Land Cruiser jeep last month. About two months ago, the church council got him a brand new Toyota salon car. Now I know where my tithes have been going.

So on that note, I drop my pen and stare at the list once more before I fall asleep. I hope to add more to it before the year runs out. And hope I am able to fulfill these resolutions, as my brothers and sisters all over the world hope they do so too.

 

PS: RIP to the victims of Air Asia Flight QZ8501 disaster. May God console the families of the victims and we pray no more planes would fall off the sky this New Year.

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