“She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark” – Jarod Kintz

“I’ve always had a booty even when I was a baby, and when I was in high school and was skinny, I still had the booty. In Hollywood’s eyes, the perfect woman has to be a stick figure, tall, blonde hair, with big boobs” – Coco Austin

“I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her” – Jarod Kintz

 

“Chai. Chineke m. Doc, abeg take am easy na. This thing dey pain me die”, he shouted. “O boi, arrange ur leg make I stitch this thing. I don give u injection wey go reduce the pain, u still dey shout. Na me tell u make u go dey watch that girl nyansh”, I shot back. At the same time, I was laughing. He knew I was joking. I continued stitching and soon I was done. “But bros, u dey try o. U dey on top motorcycle inside busy road. On top am, u still dey look woman nyansh. U no know say e dey risky”, I asked him. “Doc, no be my fault. Na devil! But if na you see this nyansh, I swear, you sef for look am join”. We laughed together at the joke and I walked away, as the nurse continued attending to him.

She got an ass that could swallow up a G-string!

Ur bumbum bigger than Bombay!

This yansh dey scatter my head o!

Show me your ikebe baby make I enter!

Baby the thing about your body na your idi nla!

And it goes on and on and on. Lyrics to different songs playing on the radio. Everyone cannot be wrong at the same damn time. I mean, hey, come to think of it. If everyone sings about Ebola, then it means Ebola outbreak is definitely taking place. If everyone sings about NEPA taking light, then it means NEPA is really phucking up. Now when almost all Nigerian artistes sing about that mound of thick flesh on a woman’s backside, then you definitely know that it is the new craze. The New Obsession!

Much ado about big booty, nyansh, idi nla, otele, ikebe, azuka. Call it anything in any language. Even the French got a funny word for ass – derriere OR foufounes. Na so! I mean, wetin dey inside bin nyansh wey dey make some men to give up their lives for? Kanye West just lost his career to Kim’s butt.

Oh, she’s so bootylicious! That’s the in-thing. “Oh, I am not fat. I am just a thick girl”, says the girl whose BMI reads 34. No one wants to lose weight anymore. Just pack burgers, isi ewu, cow tail, shawarma…and be chopping. Just munch and munch and munch the more. As for this booty, you must come out by fire and by force.

Thickness! The new shape needed to turn heads and make the guys go gaga. Butt enhancement surgeries gone wrong abound on social media. Nowadays, very sharp doctors no dey dull again sef. They would gladly agree that they are well versed in the procedure. Dem go collect their money and then carry cement pour inside the nyansh. After all, no be make the nyansh dey bigger the client want? I’ve heard that the implants sometimes burst after such procedure. I no know about that one sha, na just hear say.

And a lot of people are not even helping matters. Presently, there is Miss BumBum pageant in some countries. Even in the universities, there is Miss Bootylicious pageants too. And in some cases, the winner walks away with cash prizes and bigger gifts like cars too. I once walked into a bank to transfer money to someone. After I was done and walked out of the bank hall, I beheld the biggest booty I’ve ever seen in my whole life. I am not talking about J.Lo type of booty. Neither am I talking about Kim’s type of butt. I mean, this is what we call a lady carrying the whole universe on her behind. I saw a lady addressing her as her Excellency. I quickly walked up to the lady after the big booty chick had passed by and inquired which state she was presiding over. She laughed heartily and quickly corrected me. “No, she is not the First Lady of any state. She is the current Miss Bootylicious of UniLag”. Oh, that was it? So much for her Excellency.

I feel this modern glorification of booties has brought with it some ills in the society. Most ladies don’t want to eat healthy any more. Telling them to engage in one exercise regimen or another is like talking to the fingers abi na talking to the hands. It has also made some young teenagers with low self esteem to proceed to doing anything possible to get that phat(sic) behind. Anything at all: butt implants, crunches, butt injections, butt augmentation, prayers, fasting…just about anything.

These days, a big booty chick doesn’t even need to walk from office to office in search of a job. I mean there are a thousand up and coming artistes in Nigeria that are seeking for easy ways to break into the already saturated music industry. And one of the ways is to organize a bunch of scantily clad big booty chicks to be shaking their asses. Just shake and shake and twerk and twerk the more and people would view your videos. Nobody gives a phuck whether your voice sounds like a sick toad; just have yourself a bunch of big booty chicks in your video. Let them not dance o. Just twerking would do. After all, according to a motor park tout, nothing wey dey inside big nyansh except shit.

Hold up, I have to finish up this article. Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda is playing on MTV Base. Lemme do and go watch me some big booty chicks!

*drops pen and walks away from the table*

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