“One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning not to give a shit” – J.A. Konrath


PS: Reader’s discretion advised. This article is filled with a lot of swear words meant to convey an important message. So for the holy people, please make sure to keep your chaplets close by. Thank you!


Someday in autumn last year, I woke up and performed my early morning rituals: pray, do push-ups, take a shit, clean the room, do more push-ups, make the bed, take another quick shit, take a bath, dress up and have breakfast. Yeah, so much for early morning rituals! And all the while, I had the phone beside me, checking for recent mails, new topics on my favorite blogs, Twitter feeds and Facebook updates. I discovered I was tagged to a post by a friend (or rather, an acquaintance) Gerald, who in my opinion, is the perfect model of a modern nonconformist. The post – The No-Giver of Phucks – was a funny analysis of people caring so much about insubstantial and unimportant things in life. I must confess, reading the post was a life-changing experience for me.

A couple of months later, the Pakistani Al-Qaeda attacked a school in Pakistan and slaughtered more than a hundred and forty innocent folks. Surprisingly, none of my friends posted anything pertaining to it on social media. Boko Haram struck that same week in the North-Eastern part of the country, yet no one posted any stuff about it. Lo and behold, a popular minister – Myles Munroe – lost his life in a plane crash that same week and I woke up to see that almost everyone was talking about it. To me, this was the greatest form of hypocrisy and a total deviation from altruism. Was it because he was a man of God, I wondered. So no one cares about the seemingly unknown people who are victims of oppression all over the world. No one gets to remember you except you are some famous personality. OK, if that is the case!

The importance of not giving phucks about issues that are not phuck-worthy cannot be over-emphasized. The world is changing at an alarming rate and as such, people tend to care the more about issues that shouldn’t even be given a thought to: the battle to become the sexiest Instagram model, the battle to become the first celebrity to have a million likes on Facebook, who has the best duck-lips and whose selfie on Twitter gets the highest number of retweets.

Away from Social Media, people indulge in a lot of discussions that are not phuck-worthy: Who the richest governor is, Who the biggest boy in the music industry is, The female artiste wey get the sweetest punanie, Who has the most expensive automobile, Who has the most beautiful kids, Who has the most wrinkle-less bumbum…kai, okpomekwe.

I was at a supermarket sometime last month getting the groceries for the month and I beheld a grown lady sobbing like a toddler, while her friends consoled her. What was the problem, you might ask. She was complaining amidst the sobs that one of her closest friends snitched on her and caused the collapse of her relationship she hoped would lead to marriage. She told her friends she was tired of life and wanted to end it all. As painful as her situation was, I sincerely sympathized with her…honestly, I did. I even gave her a complimentary bottle of red wine and advised her to take as many shots from the bottle as possible, so she’d be free of her sorrows (at least, for the moment). But taking one’s life because a friend ratted on your back? God damn, that’s gross…that’s the height of phuckery, the depth of insanity! Most suicides these days are committed because of individuals giving phucks about issues that are not phuck-worthy. You can’t pay the bills…gbam, suicide. Your girl breaks up with you…gbam, suicide. You lose a bet…gbam, suicide. Your roommate steals your bra and panties…gbam, suicide. Your house collapses in the village…gbam, suicide. O di egwu!

Now lemme take a moment and state The Theory of Phuckonomics: You’re born with a ton of phucks, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give phucks about your friends, your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinion. You give way too many phucks about way too many things, you have so many. Then as you get older, you have maybe like 10 phucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate phucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough phucks left to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some phucks but this month is pretty tight. Then as you get even older, you are down to 1 – 2 phucks a month, and those phucks are damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobby and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – phucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save many phucks from when I was younger but I can’t. Then, you hit the phuck insolvency. You are getting like 1 phuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously phuck-worthy things, so you just can’t give a phuck. Some people run out really quickly, some people have a phuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age. But at some point, the phuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of phucks to give. It is not your fault; it is just basic phuckonomics.

Therefore, it is pertinent to save as many phucks as possible for the rainy day. Learn to care only about important things in life. Why worry about you not having a new automobile because you saw a friend post a picture of her new ride on Facebook? Why worry about you not having a husband because your fellow spinster posted a picture of her engagement ring on Instagram? Focus more on how to get things done and the best ways to solve your problems, instead of comparing yourself with people. Because we are all different individuals threading in this journey called LIFE. We are made differently and as such, we are bound to experience joy and unhappiness at different points in our life. Caring less about such flimsy issues would breed more happiness in us. We should rather occupy our minds with more phuck-worthy stuffs that would uplift us and the people around us. Helping out in community service won’t be bad or saying kind words to people and putting smiles on their faces. Whether we believe it or not, kind words go a long way to uplift downtrodden people and make them better.

The less phucks we give about un-phuck-worthy issues, the happier we become. Capisce!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s