“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything” – Mark Twain

“Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies” – Dorothy Allison

 

Forget what the priest told you during catechism. Forget about the epistle Sister Nkiru preached to you in Sunday school. The truth is – everyone lies! Yeah, you heard me – every freaking person you can think of. Women lie, men lie, Politicians lie, Pastors lie, Imams lie, the government lies…everyone lies! And lying doesn’t make you the child of the devil.

I’ve been told a ton of lies since I was brought into this world; lies about the boogeyman, lies that kids came from heaven, lies that orange seeds grew in one’s stomach and many more. And when I came of age and realized that all those were lies, I decided I’ve had enough.

Women lie!

They lie about their age: she’s 22, come carry all that nyansh with a freckled face, walking like a granny – LIAR.

They lie about being in a happy relationship: but the last time you were seen at a soiree, you had a black eye. Who come give you the black eye? – LIAR.

They tell their hubby money isn’t everything: but on Instagram, you secretly admire Bunmi’s new birthday gift from the husband; a brand new Kia Optima while you still walk around in a leggedes benz – LIAR

They lie about their hymen: oh baby, I am still a virgin. The hymen broke when I was climbing a cashew tree as a kid. I wonder when cashew tree don turn to prick – LIAR

They lie about cumming: yes, yes, yes, chi m o, hit it, yea, yea, obu mi o, ori mi o, I don die o, na so, I am cummmmmiinnnngggggggggggggg…and the guy go dey feel like Captain America or Commando – LIAR

They lie about virtually everything. One time, we were in a commercial bus and there was a flashy chick in the front. I won’t lie, she looked gaudy, fly and fabulous. Then all of a sudden, she started answering a call and told a thousand lies that would even make the devil envious:

“Yes o, I just landed in Lagos 2 days ago. Our plane stopped at the airport in Lekki. Yes, the one on the island. The journey was fantastic. I didn’t even know it is very cold in the sky o. As I brought out my hand and was touching the clouds, it started raining. So I had to bring in my hand and wind up the window”, she said to the other seemingly bush and ignorant person on the other end of the phone.

Men nko!

They lie about their bank accounts: you get 500K for your GTBank account, na em you dey borrow the girl phone to make call – LIAR

They lie to their friends about how pretty their babes are: but the last time she came with you to the beer palour, na laff your guys take comot. Because dem never see that kind baboon before – LIAR

They lie about not telling lies: YES, they lie about this all the time. “Oh baby, c’mon, don’t you trust me again? That person that called my phone – Waitress – yes, that is the pet name I gave my little cousin. I can’t lie to you na. Trust me” – LIAR

They lie about understanding what you are talking about when they obviously don’t: especially on those weekends when a derby match is taking place. You keep on ranting about your evil colleague in the office and how you would gladly strangle her. He claims he understands all you are talking about when his eyes are fully glued on the TV – LIAR.

One time, when we were teenagers, young boys gathered at Mama Emma’s shop in the evening, to buy akara balls and bread. Lasso, the fine boy, started bragging about smashing the new girl that just moved into the neighborhood. He claimed the girl couldn’t get enough of him. He told us the chick came over during the weekend and as she entered the room, she didn’t waste any time and proceeded to grab his man shaft and stick in her mouth. Boys hailed Lasso; we called him the gladiator and asked him his secrets in scooping these fine babes.

Now, instead of stopping at that particular lie, he proceeded to swear on his grandfather’s grave that the chick came a second time and he rode this chick for forty minutes non-stop. At that instant, we spotted the new girl in the neighborhood approach Mama Emma’s shop. We made signs to Lasso to stop but he didn’t decode. He kept lying and lying and lying the more. All of a sudden, he turned around to collect his change and met the eyes of the new girl in the neighborhood. Omo, see gobe o! Lasso quickly dropped the money and the akara balls he was holding. “Nne, I can explain. It is not what you think”, he said. Boys burst out laughing at the bloody liar. Throughout that week, nobody saw his sorry ass. He stayed indoors so the shame would subside.

We all lie every now and then…it is inevitable. But always make sure the lies are very necessary ones! Capisce!

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